Dr Muck’s Blog 17th May 2010

MUCK FM

07

Dr Muck’s Blog 17th May 2010

Well, it’s been a fantastic weekend here at Muck FM. Festival Weather made a storming debut on Saturday night, with banging breaks, filthy electro and even a bit of techno and rock thrown into the mix. We can’t wait for the next one!

Our record for the number of listeners was smashed, and I would like to thank all of the regulars, as well as the newcomers to Muck FM, especially the Festival Weather crew, for making it such a fantastically mucky night!

MC Check managed to get away from being pimped down at Portsmouth docks for the evening, and came up for another storming Chuck show. He requests that if anyone finds his jaw to mail it to his mum’s house. You all know the address.

ETB joined us too, and it was great to party with him before he heads back to the sweat shop technical support centre that he runs for us in Indonesia, earning the equivalent of £1.50 per week for working 23 hours a day, seven days a week. The beach is only 100 metres from the call centre, but the windowless walls and corrugated iron roof don’t allow poor ETB to see the bikini clad girls and surfers. Not that he has time to think about those things as he’s struggling to breathe in the oppressive atmosphere without fans or air conditioning.

Of course you know I’m only joking. He doesn’t get a lunchbreak and works 24 hours a day…

I also have to give a special mention about Ray Von’s set in the early hours of Sunday morning. It should be up on the Red Eye Player soon, and believe me, you won’t hear a muckier set of trance and hard trance for a very long time. An amazing show to see the sun rise to. I think in a drunken haze I asked Ray to marry me as he played tune after tune that had me beating the furniture in the studio. Sometimes dancing just isn’t enough…

Lady Hoppy also gets an honourable mention for picking up the most hardcore award for the 978th time. I don’t know what they feed these Scottish girls, but whatever it is it seems to create an immunity to barrying. She wins yet another Golden Barry to put on her mantelpiece, and there is a talk of creating an underground vault to house all of these precious trophies. Congratulations Lady Hoppy!

The after party here in the studio continued until the early hours, and the geisha girls were kept on their toes all night long. Well, Fifi was kept on her back in the private quarters out the back, but Mandy and Stella made sure all the guests were fully stocked with the finest champagne Albania has to offer. If those three minxes weren’t enough, we are currently trialling a young Swiss girl called Heidi. When I say “we”, I actually mean me. I’m putting her through her paces and making sure she is mucky enough to join the geisha girls here at Muck FM. I’m looking for something different that she can bring to the party. All the current girls have their own special talents. Fifi rules the roost of course, and is the punters’ favourite. Mandy is a very loving girl and loves nothing more than to socialise and keep everyone’s glasses topped up, while Stella is our chavvy young recruit from Croydon. If you like a bit of rough, she’s your girl, and comes complete with shiny shell suit and hair up in a pineapple. She’s also a fine cook, and prepares the nibbles and hors d’oeuvres for the after parties.  You could say we’ve got a slut in the bedroom, an angel in the living room, and a chav in the kitchen…

I know you will all be curious to know what our young Swiss stunner looks like, so I have enclosed a photo of her that Fifi has just taken in the boudoir out the back as Heidi prepares for her final round of mucky exams.

Nice alps love…

So, as we speak, I’m putting Heidi through a gruelling initiation and induction process. In answer to Miss A. Stalker’s question, e-mailed to our Points Of View programme (which as you all know is presented by Barry Cryer), kippers, lube and length of rubber pipe are not included- all hopefuls must provide their own. As stated in the small print though, all Swiss nationals must also take the extra “Alpine Challenge”, and should bring their own duty free size Toblerones and packet of sheaths. Fifi is currently in the changing room fluffing Heidi for this final challenge, which I had to inform her may smart slightly.

Uncle Jamal is ready with the video camera to record this excting event for the Muck archives, but I’m not on very good terms with him at the moment. His camel crop failed this year, and instead of listening to the Ungulate Committee about the dangers of spaying the camels before Ramadan ends, he always has to do things his own way. Now he wants to import a child from his contacts in the Oman to become this year’s offering to the camel gods. I ended up having a big arguement with him, threatening to call the police, but he simply said  ” I don’t care, I’m on the register already. Allah akhbar!”

He’s a nightmare, and I can’t believe I’m related to him. He brings shame on the whole Muck family. Still, if this year’s camel crop fails again, he can always go back to his part time job in the nursery school down the road from him…

Have your say