Dear Handy

I recently cheated on my girlfriend with this right dirty slag down the pub and have caught syphilis. Now I have to try and avoid having sex with her until I get it cleared up. I am scared, please help

Scared, Southampton

First of all- good boy! It’s always commendable when you pull a bird who’s well up for it. I would like you to write back to me and tell me the exact details of this tryst. It is essential you leave nothing out, so I can update my statistics, and also have some fodder for my daily wrist exercise. Please give specific details, especially about you and your various states of arousal. I like to use the specially constructed Handy Scale (c) with 1 being flaccid, and 10 being baby’s arm with a golf ball on the end. Mmmmm…..

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, you got the clap. How’s your luck? Well, you have two choices. Either feign headaches or tiredness to avoid getting jiggy, or the route I would recommend to you, which is fuck her normally, and fuck her. I mean, nob her, let her get the dose, accuse her of infecting you, and then leave her, giving you free reign to slut yourself all over the place. It’s a classic win-win situation, and I’m not sure what your problem is. If you don’t get the syphilis cleared up, then you can repeat this process indefinitely, and you will soon become a legend in the bedroom. And down the clinic. However, left unchecked, syphilis will eventually send you insane, and soon you will become arrogant, power crazy and violent. Good times!

Enjoy!

Handy x

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